We probably don’t have to remind you that wedding gifts are a surprisingly tricky concept. Depending on your relationship to the bride and groom (not to mention whether you’re in the bridal party or not), the gift rules easily change for what’s acceptable and appropriate. Most married folks will tell you they have a wedding gift they hate and don’t know what to do with—that’s what cabinets are for, right? But to spare you from giving that gift, we consulted two etiquette experts and one Over The Moon-approved planner in order to find out who should give what. When it comes down to it, it all depends on your personal budget, and the experts couldn’t give a specific price range—because that truly is a personal decision—but we also asked 10 people who attend a lot of weddings on the dollar amounts they recommend based on personal experience. With all this in mind, we figured out some foolproof choices for you to go with depending on what your role is in the wedding and your relationship to the bride and groom. At the end of the day, the three experts agreed: thought and intentions are most important.

The Ground Rules

Regardless of your relationship to the couple, certain rules hold true for everyone. Location, relationship, and budget are the only things that should truly dictate the gift. An elaborate wedding does not mean you need to give a more expensive gift, and the couple should not expect that—what they choose to spend and do for guests should have no motive other than to have a memorable day and treat guests well.

As far as gifts go, the experts consulted agree that cash is always appreciated, especially if the couple doesn’t have a registry. But the amount can be up in the air because everyone’s budget (and relationship to the bride and groom) differs. “Couples will appreciate receiving gifts that are within your means to give,” Chenai Bukutu, director and lead planner of ByChenai Events, says. Going over budget is never necessary, and it truly is the thought that counts. Diane Gottsman, etiquette expert and owner of The Protocol School of Texas, says if you do plan to give cash, though, ensure you include “a heartfelt message” in the card to make a rather generic gift more personalized. 

Cash will also be easier to give if you’re going to a destination or out of town wedding as cumbersome gifts can be tricky to travel with. However, anyone hosting a destination wedding should expect fewer or smaller value gifts, if any at all, because of the money and time many required to attend their wedding. Gottsman recommends giving something small as a sign of appreciation, but Grotts and Bukutu think your presence is more important.

“This is the time for the bride and groom to step up to the altar and ask for no gifts. In other words, their guests’ presence is the best gift,”  certified Etiquette Expert Lisa Mirza Grotts, notes. She says the same goes for out-of-town weddings, too, because you need to invest a lot of time and money to make it there for the day. 

But if you would like to go for a physical gift, Gottsman rarely suggests straying from the registry because it is literally the couple telling you exactly what you want—what could be easier? Unless you’re one of the few groups mentioned below that can give something more personalized, find something within your budget on the registry and stick to that. If they specifically say they want donations to a specific charity or no gifts at all, respect their wishes and don’t force what you want onto them—everyone’s taste is different!

Bridesmaids And Groomsmen

To get the trickiest group out of the way first, there is no clear cut rule for gift giving if you’re in the wedding. Bukutu says no one in the wedding party would be expected to give a larger gift because they’re an important part of the day—in fact, it might actually be the opposite. You’re giving your time, energy, and (in many cases) a lot of money already in order to be involved, especially if you take part in a destination bachelor or bachelorette party and have to buy a specific outfit for the occasion. However, the bridesmaids should decide as a group if they’ll give gifts or not because the experts agree, it’d be awkward if one bridesmaid gives a gift while others do not. “It’s best to pool resources with the rest of the wedding party and give one substantial gift,” Gottsman says, adding that budget is the priority. Grotts agrees, a group gift is actually “quite memorable” and definitely appreciated. It even helps the parties stay within their personal budget.

As for what to give, sticking to the registry is always appropriate and will probably appear more thoughtful than giving cash (unless that’s what the couple specific asked for), but because you are closer to the bride and groom, you have the opportunity to go in on a more sentimental, personal gift. Consider spending between $20 and $50 each for a group gift, depending on how many bridesmaids there are—luckily, the more people the less you have to spend. We recommend giving a monogrammed bag for the honeymoon or wine glasses you can use together for a night-in post-wedding.

Some ideas:

Maid Of Honor Or Best Man

In a similar vein to the bridal party, the rules are a little less clear here, too. If the party as a whole is giving a gift, the maid of honor and best man should also give something, but they don’t necessarily need to go in on the group gift, and this is the one role where cash might not be your best bet either. Your role is more important than a bridesmaid or groomsman, and you probably have a closer relationship to the couple. So, the experts agree that you should consider giving “something meaningful to you,” as Grotts puts it. “The maid of honor and best man are people who have had a front seat to the relationship most likely and are in a great position to gift something that speaks to that,” Bukutu says.

Gottsman suggests a frame with a picture of you together, or a gift card to a restaurant you both frequent (or shared a special moment together) but the latter can also be a group gift with the bridesmaids, since it probably will be more expensive. If you were married before the couple, you can also consider giving something that you wore or used on your wedding day, like a piece of jewelry or a pocket square. This gift does not have to be big or expensive—$50 to $75 is sufficient—but it should be thoughtful and personalized.

Some ideas:

Close Friend Or Family

Budget comes first with wedding gifts. But for in-town weddings, the experts suggest opting for one of the nicer, higher-priced gifts on the registry, spending over $200, to show that the couple is important to you. You also have the opportunity to give something meaningful, rather than generic. However, if you’re not sure what they’d like, what would be useful, or what matches your relationship, go for a cash gift with a thoughtful card instead. If you’re the plus one to someone who is close to the couple, yet you yourself don’t truly know them, don’t feel awkward putting your name on the card and helping pay for the gift. Plus ones should not feel obligated to give their own gifts.

Some ideas:

Coworkers

Coworkers can easily fall under the same category as friends, especially if you’ve worked together for years and share a lot of memories together, but because you do work with this person, you need to keep the gift professional; too grand or too personal of a gift can quickly create an awkwardness neither of you will want post-wedding. Our experts recommend keeping it midrange on the registry. Consider spending $100 to $200 depending on how long you’ve worked with them, and stick to basic housewares and useful items to maintain the professional boundary.

Some ideas:

Distant Friend Or Family

Grotts recommends choosing something with a lower price point on the registry for anyone not in the inner circle or giving a smaller cash gift, like $100. You want to be polite and show your appreciation for the invitation and hospitality yet not overdo it. Double up on small housewares (typically the under $25 items on the registry are meant to be bought together) or find functional pieces that the couple will use frequently. 

Some ideas:

Friends of The Parents

Say, you don’t actually know the couple, and you were invited solely because you’re friends with their parents. In that case, do not go off the registry. You can choose something on the lower end and something less personal, like a skillet or corkscrew, that equals about $100, but because you don’t actually know the couple, stick to what they say they want or settle for cash within your budget.

Some ideas:

Siblings

Because not every couple has a wedding party that siblings can be a part of, it can put you in an awkward spot when it comes to gifting, especially if you are close to the bride or groom. “If the couple are planning their own wedding, for example, a great gift to give is the offer of time and support in bringing it all together. Everyone needs help with planning and having someone who can pick up a few tasks here or there and actively asks to be involved is a great gift,” Bukutu says.  Another option is “contributing to some of the vendors, like offering to cover the photographer or another vendor’s cost,” Bukutu notes. 

But the emphasis should be on the word “ask” because they may not want or need your help (don’t take it personally). Planning can be stressful, and you need to decide if you’re hoping to get involved for the right reasons: to actually help. If you’re not sure you can devote that kind of money or time, something meaningful to your relationship—passing down something from your wedding, if you were married first, a gift certificate to a spa or restaurant you both love, or something sentimental can definitely go just as far because forcing your help (or opinions) on the couple will do more harm than good. We recommend spending about $200 to $500, if you don’t want to be involved in the planning or can’t cover a vendor cost.

Families Invited Together

Children who are underage or not yet out on their own (i.e. living and working on their own post-school) can join in on a family’s gift, Grotts says, especially if the family was invited altogether, not separately. Anyone who received a separate invitation from their parents to the wedding should give their own gift. Because a family gift tends to include more people, it is customary to be on the nicer end of the registry, spending in the $200 to $300 range, but, again, stick to what fits within your budget.